Giving Myself Love: Continuing On My Journey

I was very nervous about writing this post because it's not something I like to talk about. It has been something that I dealt with by myself for many years and still deal with it. Some days are easier than others. I guess most everyone is a picky eater when they were a little kid. I'm just guessing I know that everyone is different in their own way. When I was little I was the pickiest eater. There would be certain foods on my plate that I would refuse to eat and my mom would have to force me to eat it just because I was being stubborn. Once I started to go to school it became a real problem I wouldn't want to eat when I was supposed to and I would cause a fuss over the fact that I didn't want to eat right away.

In school I really did not have many friends like most people I knew. I remember only having a small group of friends at one point to where I only had my childhood best friend because my small group of friends from primary school went on to a different middle school and high school from me. When my best friend moved back to Italy I remember I really didn't have anyone. My best friend and I wrote back and forth to one another but it wasn't the same. I knew something was off with me. But, I couldn't put my finger on what made me behave this way. I was very much to myself and I don't remember talking to people a lot. I started to dig deep within myself to be this happy person but I knew I was not happy. The memories of the constant bullying from my peers telling me I was dumb, ugly, etc. kept replaying in my head. The constant memories of hearing others talk about me behind my back and making fun of me behind my back really lowered my self-esteem. The situations really made me feel unwanted and I always wondered why people made fun of me? and why did they treated me the way they did? I endured some nasty things growing up. It only got worst as the years went on and by. I would find myself in the girls bathroom crying my eyes out because some boy told me I was ugly and had big lips. Or some girl that was supposedly my friend would pretend to be my friend and would turn others against me. It was hard for me to find out who I was because I felt worthless at that point. I don't have a lot of good moments of myself being happy in middle school or in high school because I was ridiculed by a lot of my peers. I really didn't have friends like that and it made me depressed. Which, caused me to not want to eat. In middle school I never purged I just wouldn't eat. I would go all day without eating and some how I would end up in the nurses office until the end of the school day. Where I would be there all day and miss my last three classes. One day I had to go home because I had thrown-up because I had nothing in my system and being that I was so dizzy it made me feel nauseous.  I remember the first time where I purged. When I was 15 years old, my sophomore year. I had gone to lunch with a girl who wanted to actually be my friend. I think we had went to Potbelly's that day and I had eaten a whole sandwich. In my mind I felt that I had eaten too much that day. My mind was telling me that I need to find a way to throw-up. When we got back to school to attend our last 4 classes. I waited for the perfect opportunity where I knew I would be able to throw-up. I was in my second to last class and I remember asking the professor if I could go to the ladies room. I was granted permission to go to the ladies room. I remember as I entered the ladies room I checked every stall just to make sure that no one was present while I was doing what I was doing. The first time I did it my mind was telling me that its great. Don't be scared. Then it started to become a habit where when I am at home alone I would make sure to eat as much as I could just so I could purge. Or I would take two bites of something and then say that I'm full. There would be days in high school where I would just go hungry all day not because I didn't have the money to buy lunch but because my mind was telling me that I was not hungry. My high school days were brutal not only was I going through a lot with making friends but I also was depressed at the same time. When I was 15 years old one of my best friends from my hometown passed away of natural causes. I was devastated and numb. I honestly didn't know how to feel. I was still a good student despite all I was feeling and going through. I wanted to make my mama proud. It was like I living two different lives in one world I was dealing with my own emotional and mental health issues that consumed me and then in the other world I was the people-pleaser who pleased everyone but herself.  I was the type of person who pleased everyone but myself because I wanted everyone to believe that I was okay. When in reality I was far from it.

It wasn't until college I found out who I really was. I went to an amazing university and joined a sorority. My sorority sisters accepted me the real me. The me that I was to scared to show to anyone. The kind of girl that loved to be herself in all of her weird. Not a bad weird but a good one. Even though bullying changed me.  For those who are close to me knows that I'm a witty, goofy, can be ditsy at time, loves to laugh, and loves to crack a corny ass joke once in awhile. My depression consumed when I wasn't around others, which lead me to binge and purge because I was in my head. When someone wasn't texting or calling me I felt unwanted and that would make me want to purge even more. My purging really got out of hand when I found myself eating a whole a lot throughout the day then purging in between each heavy meal I ate. I did not care at this point because it made me feel good. One of the main reasons it got out of hand was because my boyfriend at the time and I were going through some problems. Food was something I turned to and then later I would feel bad that I ate all that so I needed to purge so I didn't gain weight. In my mind it was either eat a lot or not eat at all. It was then my sorority sisters started to notice the change in me. Then my little caught me purging one day I thought I was in the house by myself. I forget to lock my bathroom door after I had closed it  and my little walked in on me purging. I remember she broke down when she saw and asked me why was I doing this to myself. She stated that I needed to not be doing this, as if she had known that I was purging before she caught me actually doing it. I remember breaking down and telling her that I am not hungry and I don't want food and that I just want to be left alone. She never told our other sisters but when she noticed that I wasn't eating.  I never thought that I would walk in on what I walked in on. All of my sorority sisters were waiting for me at the front door when I walked in the house from my last class. They all literally dragged me to our kitchen and started forcing me to eat. I remember them babysitting me to make sure that I did not purge. After, having them treat me the way they did I felt ashamed, embarrassed, it made me feel like a little child. It was then I knew that I need helped and realised that they truly cared about me. I went out with one of our sorority sisters' mom to seek help with a therapist and a nutritionist. Because I knew if I had told my mama what I was doing she would be so angry and disappointed. I didn't want to disappoint my mama. I was going through a lot at the time. I had something traumatic happened to me. In result something else happened; which was an  emotional decision and an emotional moment in my life. But a good emotional because I knew deep down everything was going to be okay. Because I did something that was benefiting me and the other person involved. My therapist helped me to understand where all of my depression stemmed from and where my eating disorder stemmed from. There were other factors too that lead up to my depression, which is what helped to stem my eating disorder.  With my eating disorder I was having trouble with body image. Though I already had a slender/slim body I wanted to stay that way, in other words I wanted to be prefect all the time. You can say that all my life I also wanted to be prefect and please everyone. I did not want to gain weight because to me it was prefect to be slim/slender and being slim/slender is what prefect was. But, then I would hear people telling me I was too skinny and then I would eat a lot to gain weight, but then feel bad and would be purging everything I ate.

My therapist and nutritionist have been the best to me over the years. I can't imagine where I would be without them. I thank my sorority sisters for life everyday for helping me realise that I am better than what I was doing to myself. I'm not saying that I am 100 percent better but I am still navigating through life with handling my depression and eating right, and exercising- in a healthy way. I recently just found two accounts on Instagram- nourishandeat & neda- The National Eating Disorders Association. Both of these accounts inspire me each day. I grateful that I have found them. They are the best and I am so thankful for their endless support and love. Also, to help with my depression I have found comfort in Cybersmiles- which is an organisation that advocates  to put a stop to cyberbullying  and bullying in general. Check them out I swear you are not alone. Remember you are a warrior and warriors always wins. You are strong and brave and that makes you a winner. I love you guys and I am so happy that I know I can use my platform to inspire and tell you all about things I have been through and the things that I am doing. I love that I can  be open and honest with you all and there's no judgement. Thank you so much for always loving and worrying about me when I don't post for a million years.

There are so many life lessons that I have learned. And also there is so much I learned about myself in the last 28 years of my life. There are two life lessons that have stuck with me through my journey. The first life lesson never take anything for granted. Second, life lesson is no matter how deep down inside you may be feeling about yourself  always remember that self happiness is the key to happiness.

I love you ALL so much. Thank you so much for being the best baby baby babies in the world. you make my heart swell.


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